- My family moved from the US to Barcelona six years ago.
- I went from being a helicopter parent to letting my child explore the world independently.
- By asking where my child was, does my child know where I am?
When I lived in the United States, I was a helicopter mom. At the park, I followed my preschooler like a protector, ready to catch him if he fell. If I lost sight of him, I would panic.
That changed six years ago when my family moved to Barcelona. During our first spring here, we attended a Catalan calçotada, a community gathering where you cook green onions.
My son’s friends were climbing a tree. Of course, my then 5 year old joined in. As soon as he reached the top, the local parents started clapping. But they didn’t clap for my child. They clapped for me. For once, I hadn’t interfered. I let my child be a child.
This relaxed parenting has endured. Today my son is 11 years old pick up groceriesplays in the park and commutes 30 minutes from school – all without adult supervision. But this change did not happen overnight. The social climate and infrastructure of Spain gave us the opportunities to grow.
Independence is encouraged from a young age
Restaurants here often have playgrounds or nearby outdoor plazas with outdoor seating so parents can socialize while their kids play. When an American friend asked who watches the children, I joked, “They run wild.”
In Spain, I don’t ask, “Where is my child?” Instead, I ask, “Does my child know where I am?” The restaurant table is the center. If my son gets hurt, another kid will run and find me. Otherwise, the kids solve their own problems while we drink wine.
Schools here encourage independence from an early age with annual multi-day rural trips for students starting at age 5 or 6. When my son first went, I was nervous – who was going to remind him to pee or comfort him at night? I over prepared, packed clothes with tags, only to realize that he had been wearing the same clothes for three days. Does he smell? yes. Did he survive? Also yes.
Of course, this independence has not turned my son into an angel. He still grumbles when we ask him to set the table and would happily choose his iPad instead of parking, but independent actions give him a sense of freedom.
Being overprotective was not helping my child
From the age of 10, he took the city train home from school by himself. My American sisters (also mothers) are shocked. “How brave”, they told me. But here, it is normal thanks to the supporting infrastructure such as the FGC transport system, which dedicates special public train carriages for school children during peak hours. After a few months of practice in this train pod, he now takes the train alone whenever and wherever he needs to.
“One of the reasons it’s easier in Spain is because the social norm is, obviously, to put the child on the train,” Lenore Skenazy, president of Let Grow, the nonprofit that promotes childhood independence, told Business Insider.
The contrast with the US is striking. According to a survey by CS Mott Children’s Hospital, half of parents of 9- to 11-year-olds won’t even let their children go alone to another aisle in a supermarket, and only 33% let them walk or bike to a friend. home alone.
This overprotection leads to learned helplessness. Before, my son used to go out during our train journeys together. Since he started traveling on his own, he has become more alert. Now, when we travel together, he is the one who makes sure we don’t miss our stop.
In the US, there was an alarm increasing anxiety and depression in children. To combat this, psychologists encourage parents to give children freedom to roam, explore and make choices without parental supervision.
“The only thing I’ve seen that changes parents here in America is not statistics,” Skenazy said. “It’s just seeing that their child has done something without them.”
Skenazy suggests coordinating with schools to approve Project Let it growa homework assignment that asks children to do something on their own (from frying an egg to riding a bike to school alone). Children document this on a leaf-shaped paper, which is displayed publicly.
My son’s journey to independence began with a tree. Collect enough leaves and soon, your kids can have a tree of their own.